Patterns Emerge

Patterns Emerge

I am noticing a pattern with my new habits:

Wake up, get the kids to school.

This is exhausting and no two mornings are the same.  Why do mornings have to come first thing in the day?  It’s a total crap shoot as to whether there will be a peed upon bed, a tantrum about breakfast options, an overflowed toilet, incomplete homework… or in the case of today, all of the above!  

 Come home.

And yes — although I fully accept that this new routine is a healthy, positive way for me to regain control of my life, this is the time of the day when I just want to sit on the sofa and feel sorry for myself and cry.  Because change is hard, and ice cream is in the freezer, and ice cream is delicious.

Decide upon exercise and do it.

Today was the Cardio Yoga that I did last week – I really like this one.  I haven’t been running since Day One of the project.  It’s been cold and yucky, and I was all set to run but then as I came home the freezing rain started.  I thought back to that one time I went for a run and got caught in sleet and wound up calling my husband to pick me up.  So I stayed inside and was happy with that choice.

I think I need to reevaluate my relationship with running.  Races make me feel bad about myself, yet I appreciate having the goal of a race to train for.

But today at the end of the yoga routine today, I felt like singing.

Start some chores, maybe shower if I got sweaty, and then write.

Today it’s figuring out how to wash a sleeping bag, because my middle child insists on sleeping in a sleeping bag, on his bed, and last night he was scratching his butt and broke his Pull-Up and peed everywhere.  When I do these tasks I try and figure out what I’m going to write.

This writing is easily the favorite non-kid part of my day.  It’s really feeling right.  I am now acutely aware of the act of writing in which I am currently engaged.  I feel awkward.  Hey, look over there!

Grab lunch, finish up chores.

This afternoon is going to be sweet potato chili (hopefully tonight we’re going to Primanti Bros to celebrate good report cards and good first month at a new school and I’m REALLY looking forward to that) and mopping the floors (REALLY not looking forward to that but REALLY glad I didn’t do that yesterday like I was hoping to do because I’d be REALLY mad that I have to re-mop thanks to the Overflowing Toilet of Grossness.

Now the really exhausting part of my day: Getting the Kids Home From School

Drive to go get littlest at 230.  Be back in time to meet middle child’s bus which comes to our door.  Then the boys have a hour to get comfortable at home and relax and then I have to drag them out again to get my oldest at the bus stop, around the corner and 2 blocks away.   This sucks for everyone.

All the kids are home and I’m out of gas.

This is the time when I really just fail.  This is the time of day when I want to really take a nap.  And then I try to take a nap — 20 minute power nap — and I get woken up and I get SUPER PISSED OFF.  So I stomp around and feel like a martyr for having to actually feed these humans AGAIN.  Like, seriously?  The first thing I do is feed them in the morning, while I’m packing their lunches for the day.  Then I have to feed them MORE?  And they’re asking for snacks while I’m making dinner?  Really?  Really, Seth?  Really, Amy.  It’s like they’re biological entities who metabolize.  Honestly.

Husband comes home and I snap at him.

Because of how awesome I am.

Dinner-homework-cello-relaxing-family time-bath.

This is on a down-day, when there’s nothing else to do.

MELATONIN TIME!  TIME FOR SLEEPY JUICE!!!

We’re giving my middle child melatonin.  I don’t know whether it’s that or his less-stressful school days but he’s sleeping better, and having generally better days.  I am not going to speculate which is causative or correlative but until he starts to grow a third eye I’m not changing anything.

Bedtime for the kids.

This used to be hugely awful and stressful but thanks to melatonin it’s not.  Usually!

9-11pm

Time with the husband.  Yay :)  Or catching up on emails or facebook or whatever.

So I’m a work in progress.  Frankly, I miss my previously scheduled nap.  I think this would make a really big difference… but I’m working on it.  Given the sea change I’ve seen in the past week and a half, I have confidence that this will fall into place as I keep working diligently at self-care.  I probably need to go to bed earlier but there’s so much to do after the kids go to bed… from relaxing to having meaningful interactions with my husband to make up for being a bitch when he gets home.

But yeah.  I know it’ll happen.  Just like I know that figuring out what I’d like to do when I grow up will organically come from this project.  I am not at the point where I feel like I can start to figure out exactly where I am in my life.  I’m still gathering data and observing and cataloging what makes me really delighted in my life.  Like, last night, I was so energized and excited by our Religious Education Council meeting.  I felt like I had good, valuable ideas and I’m really excited about the direction we’re headed.  I was feeling very burned out with our church after my husband’s term on the board and an otherwise tumultuous few years, but now I’m beginning to feel energized and engaged again, and that makes me happy.

 

  • Cardio Yoga:  20+ minutes
  • Words written:  1000+
  • Weight: 145 (What the fuck.  I’m not thinking about the number.  It’s just an inaccurate yet easily observed metric of my progress.  I can feel a difference in my body and that’s what’s important.)
  • Deck Check: Hands Clean, Alanis Morissette (Under Rug Swept) — this song is not reflective of anything thematic in this post.  I just was listening to it and I love love love her phrasing in this song.  I promise that I’ve never met Dave Coulier.)

3 Responses »

  1. Now I understand better why you get pissed when I get home and ask what’s for dinner. Also why when I suggest we go out to dinner or order in you totally flop on me like I just told you that we won the lottery.

    DINNER OUT TONIGHT!

    I’m feeling particularly generous. Two orders of Fried Pickles for the table, and then a visit to the Old Target where everyone gets something from the dollar spot.

  2. You love the goal oriented part of running, but dislike running – what if you focus on yoga(that does make you feel good) and work on accomplishing yoga goals? I think it might do your body and soul right.

    I need a nap nearly everyday and never get one.

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