Karen 2.0. Or something. I’ve lost count.

Karen 2.0. Or something. I’ve lost count.

Welcome to my new project.

It involves getting back into the world now that all three of my kids are in school.  And at least two of them in schools I feel good about.  In December, my littlest started at Pre-K and in January, my middle child transferred to a school that allows him to thrive in kindergarten.  My oldest child is in 2nd grade in the school where she’s been since Pre-K, and, her being her, does very well and enjoys it a lot!

Now I am thinking about what to do now because staying at home and being a stay-at-home mom and wife isn’t going to work financially… not that I am particularly great at that in any event.  Honestly, I feel like this is the part I actually would be good at: having the flexibility to volunteer at school and maybe at the animal shelter or food bank, and just be available.  But alas.  It’s not to be.  Add to the list of things I’m not very gifted at doing, being motivated and focused on my own.So what do I do?  Now that the dust has settled from a tumultuous fall and we’ve figured out how to get three kids to and from three different schools (and a husband to and from work to boot… ), I have time on my hands.  The problem is, I don’t remember how to do anything, and I’m doubting whether I was any good at doing… whatever it is that people DO.

I used to be a writer.  I have a BA and an MFA that qualify me to write sestinas and possess a large amount of student loan debt.

I worked as a bookseller at Waldenbooks for many years, throughout college and graduate school.  I really loved that. Book people are good people.

Then I worked in a publishing house, eventually landing a position as a Media Producer — website content management.  I wasn’t very good at that job.

And then came baby #1.  We relocated from Boston to Pittsburgh and that’s where my story of regular employment  ends.  After she was born I worked a little bit as a legal proofreader through a temp agency which was really fun and enjoyable but my husband, who was working at home and also trying to work out the details of us buying of first house, wasn’t able to juggle an infant on top of that!  Why didn’t we hire a sitter?!  In retrospect, yes… that would’ve been the thing to do.  But I was making not any money to speak of and the hours, as a temp job, weren’t steady enough.

Later that year I started “selling” insurance… which is ridiculous because I was never properly licensed and I never sold anything (because I wasn’t licensed!).  I was so uncomfortable being sent into positions where I wasn’t legally supposed to be, that I stopped doing that and worked as a nanny for some time.  That was a bizarre situation that I won’t get into, but as it happened, I was having complications with my second pregnancy and decided to leave due to the stress of workplace exacerbating the stress of the pregnancy.

As worrisome as the first trimester was, the rest of the pregnancy and my son’s birth were wonderful, healing experiences.  I was led by this experience to my next work opportunity as a birth doula, which I continued through a miscarriage, successful pregancy, and up until my third child was aroud 2.  I loved the work of supporting women through their births.  It was very rewarding and I was good at it!  The prenatal meetings, paperwork, and ability to tolerate many hospital policies?  I wasn’t so great at that.  And the chaos of being on call, having to depend on my husband to drop his work and take on child care and household responsibilities (which was even more difficult as he took a job that was not home-based), and the anxiety that my being away (for 6 hours?   3 days?  who could predict?) triggered in my kids and husband were ultimately the reason why this work wasn’t something I could continue.  It’s  just something I can do as a mom of three small kids, one of whom has special needs, without a grandma who can pick up the slack.

My last birth was about 9 months ago and I miss it.  Not enough to do it again any time soon, but still.  I am an occasional babysitter for a little boy who’s a lot of fun but that’s all I am doing for work.

My hobbies include reading, knitting, cooking, and running.  Such as it is.  I ran a half marathon last year but since then I’ve been pretty sedentary.  I have put on weight and I’m looking probably as dumpy as I ever have… including immediately postpartum.  This is definitely the heaviest I’ve ever been (non-pregnant).  I’d like to drop about 20 lb. I also haven’t been reliably reading, which is a bummer, and knitting… well, it’s DEFINITELY not something I have a great talent for.  As much as I love love love music, I don’t have a talent for it.  I’m trying to pick up a little guitar though. I love to sing in our church choir and I’m on a few committees there too.  I love our church.

So — here I am.   At my husband’s strong suggestion I am getting my act together, and this blog is part of it.  After I get  my kids off to school, I will run or do circuit training at  home depending on the weather.  Then shower and spend the morning writing, hopefully 1000 words.  That is what I used to do, after all, without fail, and I used to not be able to STOP writing.  I used to miss obligations because I’d get lost in words.  But like my running ability, I’ve lost it from lack of use.  It’s my hope that this ends now.

It’s my hope that I can get back on track.

It’s my hope that I spend more time smiling.

It’s my hope that I can spend this year before I turn 40 getting healthier.

It’s my hope that I can figure out what to do when I grow up.

It’s my hope that I can remember who it was I used to be and figure out how I lost my identity, and figure out how to be an adult who is not defined parenthood alone.

Today’s status:

  • Run: 2.07 miles
  • Words written: 1000+
  • Weight: 146
  • Job I Don’t Want: housekeeper (it’s toilet and tub day here on the housecleaning schedule!)
  • Deck Check: The Inlaw Josie Wales, Phish (Farmhouse)

 

One Response »

  1. I love you, hon. I think you’re fantastic, and more qualified to do things than you give yourself credit for, and know you can get back on track.

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